life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
