Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
