Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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