He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
