we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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