I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
