She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
