You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
