True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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