Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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