If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
