Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
