Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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