He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
