What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
