Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
