did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
