So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
