thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
