I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
