Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
