Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
