The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
