I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Quick, to the slutcave!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
