Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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