You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
