did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
