hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
