I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
