my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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