Ketchup is God's man juice
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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