he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
