i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
