I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
