im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
