I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She bit a glass in half.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
