mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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