Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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