Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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