so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
