The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
