ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
