actually, I'm a sock model
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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