i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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