really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
