Did you just see the Batmobile???
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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