there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
