I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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