i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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