I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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