I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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