If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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